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The Adventures of Joe: Space Ranger Action Hero 2

“Ow!” says Steve.

“Ow!” says Joe.

“Ha ha ha!!” says the evil bad guy.

“So, are you trying to say that you’re my father?”

“Well, actually, no. I just knew your father in college. We had the same last name and it made things horribly confusing, but it was kind of funny at the same time.”

“So you’re saying that you’re not my father?”

“Yes, precisely.”

“Well then, what’s the point?”

“I’m just trying to prove that I know more than you do!”

“I think you’re lying.”

“Lying! Lying about what?!”

“I think that you are my father and you’re too ashamed to admit it. I mean, look, I obviously turned out much better than you did.”

“What? That’s the most ludicrous thing I’ve ever heard! How could I possibly think that such a worthless piss-ant as you would be better than me?”

“Oh easily. How many times have you saved the universe?”

“That doesn’t count. How many planets have you destroyed?”

“Hey, building something new is a lot harder than tearing something down.”

“Well, why would anybody want to build stuff if I didn’t tear it down what they had before? Besides, who says that you build anything by saving the universe? Perhaps by ‘saving’ the universe you are just allowing billions of people’s lives to continue on the same worthless, non-fulfilling track that they were on, where I could have given them something meaningful to live for.”

“Hey, I just give the people what they want. Don’t go blaming me if they don’t like it.”

“Now that’s bull poopie! I thought it was the true hero’s mission to give the people what they need, not what they want. Aren’t you supposed to have some omniscient view of the workings of the universe and are thus aware of what needs to be done for the betterment of the people?”

“Hey, I’m not a super-being, I just try my best!”

“Well, your best just isn’t good enough!”

“Um, boss,” says the evil bad guy.

“What!!” says W. Smith.

“Do you want me to keep shooting at them, or should I wait until you’re finished talking?”

“Kill them you idiot! Never mind what I’m saying!”

“Um, okay boss.”




“Hey, nice dodge again.”


“Ow!” says Steve.

“Anyway, what was I saying?”

“Something about ‘my best isn’t good enough,”‘ says Joe.

“Oh yeah. Don’t you think that with all of your claim to fame that you ought to be qualified to fill the job of ‘galaxy superhero?'”

“Hey, I’m as qualified as they get.”

“And for some reason, us respectable bad guys keep losing.”

“And you’re going to lose again.”

“I doubt that.”

“Psst” says Steve in between fits of coughing up blood.

“What is it?” asks Joe.

“Haven’t you noticed that the entire conversation that you have had has been entirely meaningless?”

“Yeah, so?”

“Don’t you see? He’s trying to monotonize you to death! He’ll slowly wear your reflexes down to the point that the evil bad guy can shoot and kill you!”

“Oh,” says Joe, “Is that what you’re trying to do to me, Mr. Smith?”

“Of course not. I merely enjoy engaging in stimulating conversation for the purposes of expanding the depths of my intellectual wealth!”

“Oh, that’s what I thought.”

And with that statement, Joe promptly whips out his trusty laser gun and burns Mr. Smith’s head off. The evil bad guy was so surprised by Joe’s sudden action, that he easily fell prey to Joe’s second shot.

“Good job, Joe,” says Steve.

“Thanks Steve. Say how are your wounds? Are you going to live?”

“Yeah, probably. They’re nothing but a bunch of flesh wounds.”

“That’s what I thought. Ha ha ha!!”

That’s funny.

“Gosh, I hope that guy wasn’t really my father. I didn’t get to spend much quality time with him.”

“Do you really care?” asks Steve.

“No, not really. All I care about is a nice warm Big Action Hero Space Meal. You game?”

“Sure, if you can carry me back to the new Blue Neon Light Fate Machine.”

Joe smiles and walks over to the bloody pile that is Steve: Pratfall Comedy Sidekick and helps him to his feet. Together they walk out of the lair with a feeling of accomplishment high in their spirits.

“I wonder if those Amazons will accept me back if I go to visit them.”

“Well, if you do go back, don’t take me along.”

“Ha ha ha ha!!” they both laugh together.


(What a stupid ending. It was just like the last one, but with a side-kick thrown in.)

Hey, I don’t write this crap, I just narrate it. Don’t blame me.

(I know, but we still have to be associated with this drivel. The least the author could have done was include some sort of undercurrent with underlying meaning and significance for those of us who desire something worthwhile out of our experiences in life.)

Well, that is a noble request. But, you have to remember, this is a sequel. It’s not supposed to be anything more than a rehash of the first story without any of the power or significance in context.

(Yeah, you’re right. How silly of me to expect something more.)

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