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The Adventures of Joe: Space Ranger Action Hero 2


(Cue another one of those WHISKO warp sequences and advance to the next scene. Replay the old shot of the sinister and nefarious bad guy hideout and show the NBNLFM blue walled into the picture with a bright flash of white light.)


“Now this looks like where we’re supposed to be,” announces Steve triumphantly as he steps out of the machine.

“Yup. This place definitely looks sinister and nefarious. The fact that it looks nefarious gives me an oddly uncomfortable and reminiscent deja vu feeling.”

“What does that mean?’

“I don’t know. What does it matter? Let’s just go in there and see what evil butt there is to kick.”

Joe and Steve then proceed to march into the bad guy hideout and right past all of the horrible traps that may have been laid for them. Sure Joe may have demonstrated some flashy heroics, and Steve may have been wounded again in a terribly comical fashion, but this story just seems to advance strait to the final scene anyway. And thereby passes up some great opportunities for humor and entertainment. Darn. It.


(Cut from Joe and Steve entering hideout to Joe and Steve entering innermost lair of bad guy hideout. Note that Joe looks more heroic than ever and Steve looks more wounded than ever.)


“Hello? Anybody home?” cries Joe as he triumphantly enters the scene, “We got past all of your silly booby traps and now we’re ready to kick your butt or butts as the case may be!”

“Yeah, what he said,” says Steve while collectively nursing all of his wounds.

And suddenly, a sinister voice fills the air. “Welcome Joe: Space Ranger Action Hero and welcome, you beaten and wounded, ah, whoever you are. Now is the time when I put your miserable little lives to a long and painful end. Ha ha ha ha!!”

Zorch!!

Zap!!

Pow!!

Joe rolls out of the way just in time to avoid the barrage of laser gun shots. Steve, unfortunately, isn’t so lucky and gets shot in the leg and crumbles to the floor.

“Ow!! Ow!! Ow!! A thousand times ow!! Would you please stop wounding me! It really hurts!!”

“But it’s funny,” says Joe.

“Yeah, it is,” says the sinister voice.

“Ha ha ha ha.” Joe and the sinister voice laugh together. Steve feels depressed. Much like a button in the “on” position.

Bang!!

Boom!!

Zoch!!

More laser gun shots fill the evil lair, which is remarkably similar to the lair from the final showdown in THE ADVENTURES OF JOE: SPACE RANGER ACTION HERO EPISODE I. With a medley of tumbling rolls and flipping jumps, Joe easily manages to avoid the second barrage. Steve, of course, isn’t so lucky.

“Ow!”

“Reveal yourself!’ screams Joe, “Who are you and what do you want?”

On cue, a medium sized man dressed in a well pressed tuxedo steps out from behind the shadows in the distance.

“I am Mr. Smith and I want to kill you! Ha ha ha ha!!”

Dun!!

DUN!!

DUN!!

“Oh no, not duns. I can’t deal with duns. I hate duns,” screams Joe as he barely dodges the barrage.

” Oh, I mustn’t forget,” laughs the sinister Mr. Smith, “to introduce my newly resurrected toy who’s a hot shot with a laser gun: Evil Bad Guy! Ha ha ha ha!!”

On cue, the evil bad guy steps out of the even more distant shadows wearing his trademark black shiny helmet and a large billowing cape, which is, in fact, billowing.

The evil bad guy laughs to himself, “Plot twists are my specialty. Ha ha ha ha!”

Dun!!

DUN!!

DUN!!

“This is going to be a long night,” thinks Joe as he barely dodges another barrage of duns. Steve, of course, wasn’t so lucky.

“Ow!!” screams Steve.

“Okay, so you want to kill me,” says Joe, “Why do you want to kill me.”

“Well Joe, you have to understand,” says Mr. Smith, “I’m a calculating kind of guy and I know that nothing sinister can be accomplished in this galaxy while you’re still alive. You have a tendency to suck all evil capability out of anyone you meet. It’s depressing. So, before I can wreck my truly evil schemes, I must make sure that you no longer exist, and so thus, I focus on killing you.”

“Hmm,” says Joe, “that seems logical.”

Zip!!

Pow!!

Wonk!!

“Logical? You have no concept of logical! I show you logical! Do you know who you are Joe? Do you even know your last name?”

“Well, now that you mention it. No. What’s your point?”

“My point is that I do know your last name, you idiot! I know who you are even better than you do!”

“Oh really? Enlighten me.”

“Very well. Your mother was a beautiful and lovely woman who was seduced by a hansom dark stranger. She became pregnant and nine months later, you popped out. It was a horribly arduous birth and your mother died because of the complications. The orphanage that you were sent to tried to contact your father and inform him of your mother’s death and tell him where you were, but instead, he snuck in one night and removed all records of himself and of your mother. After the documents were stolen, nothing remained of who you were except for the fact that the nurses remembered that your mother wanted to name you Joe after some soap-opera character she particularly liked. Anyway, oops, just a second…”

Zing!!

Zoch!!

Yip!!

“Nice dodge.”

“Thank you. I try.”

“Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, and so nobody but your father knew who you truly were.”

“Okay, and I suppose you’re going to tell me who I am.”

“Of course. The last name of your father was ‘Smith’!”

Dun!!

DUN!!

DUN!!

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