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The Adventures of Joe: Space Ranger Action Hero 2

“Okay, where the heck are we?” asks Steve as he limps out of the NBNLFM.

“We’re wherever we need to be.”

“And that is?”

“I don’t know, we’ll just have to wait and find out, now won’t we?”

As Joe and Steve continue their little argument, the jungle suddenly comes alive. Beautiful women with generous proportions of everything begin leaping out from behind bushes and down from trees. Each and every one of them has some sort of stunning beauty about them that is unique and enticing. Be it lovely round hips, plentiferous pursed lips, ample breasts, or deep blue eyes. And to boot, they are all scantily clad in various remnants of cute and furry creatures.

“Wow,” was all that Joe could say. Steve decides to merely stand there in stupefied awe. The moment would have been perfect if it weren’t for the fact that each woman was brandishing a spear and looking as menacing as possible.

“Zim baba ya manga se bobe no!” screamed one woman.

“Ya haya no cane se yo fonte ca!” shouted another.

“Yo hana! Yo hana! No camo te!” blurted a third woman.

As the beautiful, yet menacing women continue to babble senselessly among one another, Joe and Steve try to decide whether they are afraid or in love. In indecision, the both decide to remain stupefied and just stand there. Eventually, the argumentation among the women is resolved and several of them come forward to capture and bind our still stupefied heroes to sticks and carry them off into the jungle.

As they are being carried on sticks, Joe finally comes to his senses and gives Steve a quick headsup on the situation.

“Just remember Steve, I’m the hero and you’re the side-kick. I get all of the women first. If there are any left over, then you can have them.”

Steve was too busy focusing on the pain of his bound semi-foot to pay attention to what Joe was saying.

After saying that, Joe was fairly content to watch the swaying behinds of the women carrying him and remained happily silent for the rest of the journey.

The rest of the journey took several hours and ended at a village in a clearing in the jungle. As far as both of our heroes could tell, the village was inhabited by nothing but beautiful, scantily clad women. Oh dear.

Upon arrival, Steve was left on his stick leaning next to a large bonfire. Joe, however, was promptly untied, undressed, and treated to a bath offered by several naked amazons in a pool of water lilies. Joe was then dressed in a robe of flowers and seated in an elaborate chair in the shade with a lovely view of the bonfire and the rest of the scantily clad village. Joe seemed more than pleased.

“Hey! Joe, hey! What the hell is going on! Get me out of this!” screams Steve in agony.

And in a moment of profound testosterone absence, Joe feels a slight need to help his side-kick in need. Joe turns to the one young lovely brunette that had apparently been assigned as his personal servant and begins communicating with her in universal sign language. Joe attempts to ask why his friend has been tied up and why he is being treated as such. The young, lovely brunette responded with an unabashed flurry of sign language and gibberish which used any and every part of her body to help illustrate the point that she was trying to get across. Fortunately, Joe got it.

“Oh,” says Joe.

“What, what? What is she saying?”

“Well friend, it appears that we have arrived on the same day that they fated to be the arrival of their ultimate lover/Adonis type man. It’s some sort of thing that happens once every fifteen years so that the Amazons may continue their life as a solitary female group. Apparently, I am to mate with every woman in the village until each is with child. Meanwhile, you are to be served as a feast in my honor.”

“They’re going to eat me?”


“But, but… You’re not gonna let them do that are you? You gotta get me out of this mess!”

“Well, that is a lot of sex. And honestly, I don’t know you all that well. Maybe things are better this way.”

“What! Are you mad? What about saving the galaxy and all of that?”

“Oh yeah… that. I’ll see what I can do.”

Joe then engages in another flurry of hand signs hoping to put off the grand feast until after the large quantities of gratuitous sex. But, the Brunette’s hand signals and body signals were negative. Apparently, Joe must have a good meal in him before he can pop an Amazon.

“Um, Steve.”


“They won’t let me have sex with them until after we’ve eaten you.”

“Well then, get us out of here now!”

“But Steve, I really want to have sex with them.”

“Okay let’s put it this way. There are at least fifty women in this village. All of them want to have sex with you. Don’t you see the problem with this?”

“Urn, no. Not really.”

“They probably won’t let up until after you have successfully satiated each and every one of them. Do you know how long that will take? Do you Joe: Space Ranger Action Hero, really have the stamina to put up with that kind of torture?”

“Well, I won’t answer that, but I see your point. I guess I’m left with no choice.”

“Yup. No choice.”

“That’s to bad. Oh well. HAIEEE YAH!’

And with that Joe springs into action and assumes a belligerent, yet defensive kung fu pose. The women, realizing that he might be a bit belligerent, decide to charge him with spears and skewer him. Fortunately, Joe is an Action Hero and responds in a deft manner. Amazon after Amazon falls prey to his swift feet and lightening fast hands. He deftly moves behind each Amazon and lightly taps them on the shoulder with a pulled-full-force-action-movie-quality karate chop. Each beautiful woman’s eyes roll up as their eyelashes flutter and then they slowly faint with an “ooh…” and lie seductively on the ground as if passed out with their clothing barely covering the important parts. The beautiful bodies posed helplessly all about the village as Joe continues to work his karate force. Steve merely watches in amazement. One minute he wants to kiss them, the next he wants to well… whatever. Go figure.

ANYWAY, Joe eventually works his way over to Steve to try and rescue him from the shish-kabob of death. As Joe tries to untie Steve, the remaining Amazon women surround him and pummel him with a barrage of spears. Fortunately, because of his deft Action Hero skills, Joe is able to avoid all of the spears. Unfortunately, because of Steve’s plight as Pratfall Comedy Sidekick, one of the spears, that slips past Joe, pierces Steve in the left shoulder.

“Ow!” screams Steve in newly redoubled agony.

Joe stops for a brief moment to stare at Steve and realize that he has been impaled in the shoulder by a huge spear. Thinking that its pretty funny, Joe laughs. I mean hey, Steve was impaled by a spear. That’s pretty funny. In fact, its so funny that all of the Amazon women stop their fighting to laugh at Steve. What a funny moment.

And when the fighting resumes, Joe continues to try and free Steve during the breaks between delivering incapacitating and somewhat restrained karate chops and dodging spears. Once Steve is free, Joe works a pathway through the Amazon fighting force and they escape into the jungle with the sounds of hollering gibberish fading into the background behind them.

“What the heck was that all about?” asks Steve as he slowly works the spear out of his wounded shoulder.

“I don’t know,” replies Joe, “But I wish that I could have stuck around to find out. But hey (sigh), nobody ever said that being an Action Hero was easy.”

Steve is somehow struck by the irony of Joe’s statement. And the fact that he said (sigh) instead of just sighing.

And so Joe: Space Ranger Action Hero and Steve: Pratfall Comedy Sidekick begin the long trek back through the jungle towards their New Blue Neon Light Fate Machine. And all the while, they are completely unaware of the fact that this entire episode was a result of the newly installed senseless segue drive that Dr. Laznite designed.

“The Senseless Segue Drive! You mean to tell me that all of that was just a senseless segue?” Joe says in a measured measure of aghastment to the disembodied voice that seems to loom everpresently from behind perspective one.


“Well why didn’t you mention it before? We could have avoided that entire mess back there!”

Hey, you aren’t supposed to know about such things in the first place, and besides, you have a nasty habit of overhearing and responding to things that the narrator happens to say. So why should I mention the fact that this was a senseless segue when you were supposed to participate in it?

“Well, think about all of the readers’ time that you wasted. Nothing positive could possibly be gained from reading all of that useless and gratuitous drivel involving voluptuous barely dressed women with nothing but physical pleasure and cannibalism on their minds!”

Okay, you have a good point. I’ll talk to the super narrator and see what he can do about it. In the mean time, can we just get on with this story?


Okay. Anyway, Joe and Steve finally find the NBNLFM climb in and quickly try to advance this story back towards meaningful plot. They fail miserably, but lets play along anyway.

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