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The Adventures of Joe: Space Ranger Action Hero 2


(Cut scene and go back to Joe and Steve in the NBNLFM.)


And now for another deep thought from your narrator. I’m sure that you are wondering just exactly who Mr. Smith is and where he came from. No, he wasn’t in some previous story that you missed. He just seems that way because he’s obviously ultra-powerful and in control of the evil bad guy. He was just created that way because this is a sequel, and all sequels need bigger, tougher bad guys and more of them. It’s obvious that Mr. Smith is important because he’s in the title. What you are probably wondering is how is he important. Or maybe, like me, you’re just wondering how far this story can sink into the depths of cheap humor before the universe gets sick of it and eradicates the writer from existence. Either way, you’ll have to stay tuned to find out.


(Okay, now cut scene and go back to Joe and Steve in the NBNLFM.)


As they sit there and wait for the light-years to instantly go flashing buy, Joe turns to Steve and asks, “So Steve: Pratfall Comedy Sidekick, what do you think of our New Blue Neon Light Fate Machine?”

Steve takes a casual glance at the insides of the machine and then just as casually remarks, “It looks like a cheap plot device.”

And with that, they arrive at their destination. Joe immediately steps out of the machine to realize that he is, once again, in the grand halls of Emperor Sham IV. Steve steps out behind Joe and looks around. He seems reasonably unimpressed.

“Cool, huh?” says Joe.

“Yeah,” says Steve.

“Stop right where you are!” say the twenty guys with big laser guns.

“Oh! It’s Joe: Space Ranger Action Hero!” says Sham IV from his throne down at the end of the hall, “Bring him here! Bring him here!”

And so the twenty guys with laser guns poke and prod Joe and Steve in a remarkably familiar fashion all the way up to the throne of Emperor Sham IV. Sham sits on his throne, looking reasonably comfortable. The entirety of his family, including Princess Irulyou stands behind him, hoping to soak up some of Sham’s good favors. Joe puts on his biggest and proudest hero pose. Steve just stands there, looking reasonably unimpressed.

“So! What part of the universe needs saving today!” Joe asks proudly.

“I don’t know,” says Sham, “Since I got my lovely daughter back, I haven’t seen much of anything wrong with the galaxy.”

I’M” says Joe, “I just thought that there might be. You see, my shack exploded this morning, and I thought that some dirty evil scheme might be brewing somewhere in the galaxy. I mean, who would blow up my shack otherwise?”

“I see your point. By the way, who is that fellow you brought with you?”

“Oh him? That’s Steve: Pratfall Comedy Sidekick, he’s my new sidekick.”

“Oh! You finally got a sidekick. Good for you!”

“Well,” says Steve, “It is a sequel after all.”

“What did he say?” asks Sham.

“Never mind him,” says Joe, “He speaks gibberish sometimes.”

“Oh,” says Sham, “Okay. Anyway, so you wanted to go save some part of the universe eh?”

“Yeah, that’d be cool.”

“Well there is this Mr. Smith guy running around lately.”

“Mr. Smith?”

“Yeah, Mr. Smith. He’s some sort of sinister bad guy. He hasn’t done much beyond blowing up a couple of planets so far, but I think that he might get around to doing much worse pretty soon. You might want to check it out.”

While Sham was discussing the ins and outs of bad guy activity, Princess Irulyou gave Joe a knowing wink in memory of all the fun that they had at the end of the last story. Joe smiled to himself. What a stud he must be. So many women, so little time.

“Did you hear what I said Joe?”

Joe forced himself to snap out of his testosterone daze and came to the realization that Sham was addressing him.

“Um, yeah. Mr. Smith… Sinister… got it. By the way, what’s his bag?”

“His bag?”

“Yeah, you know, his little quirk. Whatever it is that he does that makes him more interesting and sinister than all of the other bad guys out there.”

“Oh, that. Well, he does have a tendency to engage in senseless arguments about worthless subjects with his enemies until they die of confusion. He seems to take particular glee in that.”

Dun!! DUN!! DUN!!!

“Ow!” screams Steve as the three laser gun pulses rivet his foot.

“What the hell!!” Screams Joe in confusion.

The guard whose laser gun had gone off looks reasonably apologetic. “Um, I’m sorry sir, I must a left the safety off.”

“Oh, that’s okay I guess.”

“Okay! He shot half my foot off!”

By this time Steve: Pratfall Comedy Sidekick is sprawled on the ground clutching the bloody remnants of his foot and moaning in pain.”

“Yeah,” says Joe, “It’s just a flesh wound. You’ll get over it. Ha ha ha!”

“That’s a pretty funny sidekick you’ve got there Joe. Ha ha ha!”

“Thanks Sham, I try. Ha ha ha.”

Both Joe and the Emperor laugh together and pretty soon, all twenty guards join in. They all think it’s pretty amusing. How funny.

“Well,” says Joe, “I’d love to stay and laugh, but me and pratfall Steve here have gotta go and save the galaxy or something. Chow.”

Joe then takes Steve by the collar and drags him back down the hallway bleeding and moaning to the NBNLFM. Steve: due to his recently semi-amputated foot, needs help getting in. Once they are both in, Joe punches one of the three numbers into the new and improved control panel with bright flashing lights and WHISKO, the next scene strikes.


(WHISKO? What the hell kind of word is WHISKO?)

Hey, I was just trying to describe the weird noise that the machine makes when it travels.

(WHISKO? The machine goes WHISKO?)

Oh, just shut up and cue the next scene.

(Okay, in a bright flash of WHISKO, Joe and Steve arrive at the next scene. Cut to shot outside of the ship which is sitting in the middle of a hot and steamy jungle.)

(Note to reader: the next two pages of this story are completely senseless and unnecessary. If you want to save yourself some wasted time, skip forward a page to page six. Or better yet, stop reading this story altogether.)


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