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The Adventures of Joe: Space Ranger Action Hero 2

(Engage cool trans-dimensional light warping effects and fold the fade into the next scene include neon blue streaks.)

As Joe climbs out of the NBNLFM, he is greeted by the sights and sounds of a hustling and bustling slum. People and rats scurry about, scavenging and hiding. The fluid meandering down the dirt pathways stinks of sewage and vomit. The clouds are black and low.

“Now there you go! That’s a much better use of imagery! Great job setting the scene!”

Thanks, Joe. Anyway, this place looks like crapville. And regardless of its appearance, Joe begins marching triumphantly down one of the dirt passageways, sure that whatever is important here will soon leap in front of him.

“This must be the home of my new arch enemy,” thinks Joe. “I bet that he or she is lurking around here somewhere- I’ll just have to keep an Action Hero eye out.”

Little does Joe know that this is the scene where he meets his new sidekick. Such a meeting is obviously inevitable in any good sequel.

“Oh, I get a sidekick? Cool! Do I get to rescue him after I told him to wait in the fate machine while I check things out, but he ignores me and thus gets captured by my enemy?”

Hey, feign ignorance for once! You’re not even supposed to be able to hear anything that I am saying.

“Oh, sure. I’m supposed to walk around and pretend like I can’t hear the big booming voice that always seems to be carrying on in the background. What am I supposed to be, some kind of idiot?”

Umm.., Ali.. Anyway, Joe continues to walk around until suddenly, someone leaps in front of him. “Ah! Someone suddenly leapt in front of me!” Yeah, pay attention, idiot. So, someone suddenly leaps in front of him. This person is fairly short with ratty blonde hair. He is dressed in rags and seems to carry himself in a very slovenly manner. “Hey, watch where you’re going!” says Joe. “I’m sorry, I thought I saw some food in the street, but it’s just more yucky stuff” Joe notes the aforementioned “yucky stuff,” and decides that it is, in fact, yucky. “Oh,” says Joe, “that’s okay, I guess. So tell me, what’s your name?” “Um, Steve sir.” “Steve Sir?” “Um, no. Just Steve.” “Just Steve? Don’t you have a last name Steve?” “Um no, not really.”

(Cue a facial and fade in flashback to Steve’s past.)

“Actually, my parents and I got into a horrible spaceship accident when I was a baby. They jettisoned me in a cradle capsule just before the ship exploded. Unfortunately, all records of who I was exploded with the ship. After my capsule was found crash-landed on this planet, I was taken into an orphanage to be raised to maturity. Everyone called me Steve, because I had a platinum anklet, which said “Steve” on it. I was brutally raped and beaten while I was at the orphanage and everybody hated me. Then I was adopted by a family of miners who took me home and then proceeded to rape and beat me until I ran away. Now I just live in the streets scavenging for food with only the anklet to give me any clue about who I really am,” “The anklet? Hey, can I see it?” “Actually, no. I sold it a couple weeks ago to get a bowl of bean curd.” “Oh, that’s too bad. Well, I’d love to stay and help, but I got to go save the galaxy or something.” “Um, okay,” says Steve. And with that, Joe begins to stride triumphantly away. He gets about three paces, when suddenly, he is struck down by an ingenious thought. “Hey, maybe this guy is supposed to be my new side-kick!” thinks Joe. And with that, he promptly turns around and walks back over to Steve, who is still moping in the muck and looking slovenly. “Hey Steve, how would you like to become my new side-kick? 1 ” says Joe, with extra enthusiasm. Steve looks up from his muck in a resigned fashion. “Um, okay. I guess.” “Great!” screams Joe, “From now on, you’ll be known as Steve: Pratfall Comedy Sidekick!” “Um, okay,” says Steve. Joe promptly hauls Steve up from the muck and begins dragging him over to the New Blue Neon Light Fate Machine. Having a new side-kick makes Joe feel so much more complete. Now he will have someone that he can rely on to repeatedly make things worse than they are by screwing up in a comedic fashion. Then Joe can look even more heroic when he rescues him and saves the universe at the same time. It’s ironic though, both Joe and Steve have similar backgrounds. Joe also was raised in an orphanage and he has no idea what his last name is either. Maybe something will become of this funny coincidence, but probably not. And with that deep thought from the narrator, Joe tosses Steve into the NBNLFM, jumps in afterwards, straps both of them in (The New Blue Neon Light Fate Machine now conveniently has spacious room for two passengers) and fires it up with a random pressing of one of the three possible numbers. And suddenly, Joe: Space Ranger Action Hero and Steve: Pratfall Comedy Sidekick are whisked off scene as this story turns down a segue to check out what the bad guys are doing.

(Cue ominous bad guy music, switch to panoramic scene of some nefarious hideout looking place with lightning crashing in the background. After mood has been properly set, switch to interior scene with strange man standing in a weird, highly mechanized laboratory laughing to himself.)

“Ha ha ha ha! So Joe, you think that your Action Hero status will get you out of every bad situation. Well you forgot to notice that the evil bad guy from last story somehow managed to accrue a cult following, and now he will be brought back to life in the sequel and haunt you again! Ha ha ha ha!!”

And with that, the strange man begins pushing brightly colored buttons and turning highly reflective knobs in a seemingly organized, but chaotic fashion. A large glass tube slowly rises out of the ground in front of the strange man. Inside the tube is what appears to be the charred remnants of a corpse wearing a big black shiny helmet. Suddenly, the tube fills up with a thick green liquid which begins bubbling and churning.

(Cue some more ominous bad guy music.)

The strange man looks particularly sinister in the glow of the control panel as he watches the liquidious process with glee.

(Evolve the drama of the resurrection process and stay focused on the bubbling glass tube. When the music hits a particularly sudden high note, show a black gloved hand reaching through the liquidious fogginess and banging on the side of the glass tube.)

“It’s alive! It’s alive! Ha ha ha ha!” screams the strange man in a particularly cliche moment. Afterwards, he pushes some more brightly colored buttons and turns some more highly reflective knobs. The glass tube empties of its green liquid to reveal the evil bad guy laying there, looking slightly worn out. The tube then pops open and dumps the evil bad guy onto the floor.

“Well, how does it feel to be alive again my little pet?” says the strange man.

The evil bad guy slowly stands up and attempts to assess his present situation. He stares at the strange man standing before him and a look of amazement comes over his face.

“It’s you! Mr. Smith!”

Dun! DUN! DUN!!

“Mmm Mwa ha ha ha! Yes! It is 1: Mr. Smith! I am back! Together, we are going to do some sinister and nefarious things to this galaxy!! Ha ha ha!!”

Mr. Smith starts laughing. The evil bad guy starts laughing. They both laugh together.

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