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The Adventures of Joe: Space Ranger Action Hero 2

(Fade the theme song and cue back to the image of Joe standing in front of the burning remnants of his shack. Also notice that this moon has no atmosphere and therefore Joe’s shack should not be burning, and much more importantly, Joe shouldn’t be breathing. Unfortunately, Joe is too busy being a Space Ranger Action Hero to notice such trifling details.)

Joe continues to stand before his burning shack until the dramatic effect of his standing there seems to wear off Promptly upon the dramatic effect’s wearing off, Joe quickly turns and walks deliberately towards the New Blue Neon Light Fate Machine. As he walks towards the New Blue Neon Light Fate Machine, Joe, once again, decides to discard the conventions of a regular short story and engage in a conversation with me, the narrator.

“What’s wrong with you?” Joe asks.

Being completely resigned to the fact that Joe doesn’t care about regular short story conventions, I reply: Why whatever do you mean Joe?

“I mean that you don’t seem to be your old self You used to be so full of such descriptive imagery, but now everything seems to be ‘tell’ instead of ‘show’. It’s kinda boring.”

Well Joe, this is a sequel after all. It’s supposed to ignore all of the subtle quality elements that were in the first story and replace them with big explosions and flashy colors instead. It’s kind of a coverup for the fact that the writer is completely clueless about what really entertains the audience. We’re all living in denial Joe. Just play along. You’ll be more popular that way.

“Oh,” says Joe, “Okay.”

And with that Joe arrives in front of the New Blue Neon Light Fate Machine and stares at it in wonder. As Joe stares at the strange machine, he thinks about how much better it is now compared to how it was in the last story. After Joe defeated the evil bad guy, Dr. Laznite came to visit him with some new and innovative ideas to stretch more plot out of the Fate Machine. He installed a brand new senseless segue drive which would allow for an excuse to put more senseless violence and even more senseless sex and nudity into Joe’s future adventures. Dr. Laznite also installed an image overhaul which included a bunch of battery sucking blue neon lights (it’s okay, we can afford it). And now this veritable Christmas tree of a machine is the new and improved New Blue Neon Light Fate Machine.

“Wow,” thinks Joe.

And with that thought, Joe quickly opens the hatch of his fate machine and climbs in. And why does he do it you ask? Doesn’t it seem strange that regardless of the circumstances, Joe always has the same solution? He doesn’t know why his shanty exploded, but he seems to believe that his New Blue Neon Light Fate Machine will provide the answers. Maybe it’s because he’s right; the fate machine will provide the answers. See, you have to understand, Joe is a Space Ranger Action Hero. He’s too busy saving kidnapped princesses and preventing the universe from exploding to worry about all of that thinking stuff. That’s why there’s Dr. Laznite and all of his wonderful inventions. That way, Joe doesn’t have to do anything that even remotely resembles thinking.

“Hey! I say never look a gift rocket in the turbo boosters!”

Whatever, Joe.

“Can we get on with the story please?”

Anyway, Joe gets into the NBNLFM, straps himself down, pushes one of the now three possible numbers, and waits patiently. Before you know it, we’re in the next scene.

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