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The Adventures of Joe: Space Ranger Action Hero 2.5

“Well, I’ll be!” exclaimed Joe, “That is the NBNLFM!”

“Dave looks like he could use some help,” Steve muttered nonchalantly.

“Well then!” said Joe standing up straight, sticking his chest out, and looking as heroic as possible, “I guess I’ll have to go and rescue him!”

“I hate to tell you this, but you’re going to have to do that all by yourself. I’ll cheer you on from what ever rock I can find to crawl under.”

Joe stared off into the distance while assuming the picture perfect pose of a hero made martyr. “If I must do it alone, then I must!”

“You believe that you’re the hero to save all heroes, don’t you Joe?” Steve asked.

“Yes, I do!” Joe replied, looking as valiant as possible.

“Oh, what a crock of *%#@!!!”

Steve’s sudden outburst forced Joe to abandon his pose and temporarily ignore the peril he was about to face. “Hey! I told you not to cuss!”

“I didn’t,” Steve replied shaking his head and shrugging his shoulders. “I said ‘*’, followed by a ‘%’, then a ‘#’, and an ‘@’. What’s wrong with that?”

Joe was temporarily dumbfounded, but then came back with what he thought to be a pert, and notable counter argument. “But there’s still the insinuation!”

“I doubt that anybody who knew what ‘*%#@” insinuated, had virgin ears to begin with.”

“There! You said it again!”

Steve peered back over to where the huge, overgrown beast was chewing on the NBNLFM. So far, it had bitten off a piece of Dave’s sign to where it said, “Dave says, Hel….”

“Um Joe,” Steve said, “You might want to get back to dealing with that monster over there. It is presently trying to devour our nifty plot device.”

“Oh yeah,” said Joe turning around, “Back to being a hero!”

Steve shook his head in dismay as Joe marched triumphantly over to where the monster was standing.

“You there!” Joe announced to the monster’s big toe, “What do you think your doing to my NBNLFM!”

When the monster noticed that it had been addressed by Joe, it turned towards our hero and slowly lowered its head so that Joe could easily see that any one of the teeth in the monster’s mouth was at least twice as big as he was.

“Ahh!” the horrible beast bellowed. The force of the voice was so strong it almost knocked Joe over. The stench of the breath was so strong that it almost killed him. “So you claim that this yummy plot device belongs to you, eh!” the beast spoke.

“Yes!” answered Joe, trying to reclaim some of his heroic stature, “It belongs to me, Joe: Space Ranger Action Hero!”

“Joe: Space Ranger Action Hero?” the beast roared, “The Joe: Space Ranger Action Hero?”

“There can be only one,” Joe smiled.

“Ha!” the monster laughed, “What marvelous luck!”

“Yes, quite.” Joe answered, “And what might you be?”

When the monster heard Joe’s question, his horrible rows of teeth contorted themselves into what might have been a smile. Then the beast stood up to full height. His head very nearly touched the ceiling and when he spoke, his voice boomed and echoed throughout the immense cavern. “I am a plot elemental! The bane of good writers and story ideas everywhere! I feast on the elements of good storytelling and I gorge on the intricacies of a well-designed plot! I am the reason that so much of everything that has been written is nothing more than utter crap!”

“Oh!” exclaimed Joe, “a formidable opponent!”

The monster laughed, “Opponent? Ha! It is too late to make war with me, for I have already won!” The monster paused a moment to lick its claws. “You see, I recently enjoyed feasting on this very story! Isn’t it obvious that there is nothing left but a few obscure references and worn out jokes? I mean look at you! You’re yesterday’s news! Why do you think that you have been reduced to calling this thing an art piece?”

“Hey! I never wanted this to be an art piece!”

The monster laughed again, “Who said you had a choice?”

Joe shook his head and stood there for a moment. “Well, does this thing that claims to have eaten my plot have a name?”

The monster smiled, “Yes, you may call me Mono Tony. It means, ‘The One Tony.'”

“Oh,” said Joe, “So that means that there’s only one oversized, horrible ugly plot eating monster like you?”

“No,” said the beast frowning, “it means that there’s only one oversized, horrible ugly plot eating monster named Tony.”

“Well, that’s just great,” Joe muttered, sounding defeated.

“Ha, ha, ha, ha!” Mono Tony laughed.

“So, now what?” Joe asked.

“Actually, I thought I might start out by eating your sidekick over there.”

“What!” Steve screamed. Apparently, he had been so interested in the conversation between Joe and the monster that he had forgotten to go and hide under a rock. Now he tried to turn and run out of the cave, but the beast’s gargantuan tail had already slithered around the cavern and blocked off Steve’s retreat. With a quick flick of the tail, Steve was slapped into the center of the cave with a painful ‘SMACK!!’ kind of sound.

“Oww!!” said Steve as he lay in pain.

Steve started struggling in a vain attempt to stand up, but he hadn’t even gotten up on his knees when one of Mono Tony’s huge claws swung down and scooped him up. Before he could say ‘Oww!!’ again, Mono Tony tossed Steve in his mouth and swallowed him in one gulp.

“Steve!” Joe yelled in the most dramatic fashion he could manage.




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