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The Adventures of Joe: Space Ranger Action Hero 2.5

(Fade to black quickly and run a few blue bolts through the darkness for nifty fade effect. Then cut to really expensive special effect scene that shows the NBNLFM hurling through a tunnel of blue lightning and swirling clouds. Occasionally cut to the inside of the cockpit and show both Joe and Steve screaming as loud as possible. When the special effects budget runs out, cut to a scene in a cave where the NBNLFM materializes in a blaze of neon blue lightning. Then cut to interior of NBNLFM where Joe and Steve haven’t finished screaming yet.)


“Ahhhhhhh!” screamed Joe.

“Ahhhhhhh!” screamed Steve.

“We’re here, says Dave. He wishes you would stop screaming now. His microphones are getting sore.”

“Oh,” says Joe.

“Oh,” says Steve, “I hate special effects.”

“Where are we?” asked Joe.

“We’re here aren’t we? Yes, yes we are. I agree,” wrote Dave.

Joe frowned and then slowly started climbing out of his seat and opening the door. “Some help you are.”

“I live to serve,” Dave replied, “No you don’t you lying piece of rusted metal! You’re right, I don’t. Sorry.”

“Whatever,” said Steve as he reluctantly followed Joe out of the NBNLFM.

Once outside, they both paused to survey their surroundings. It was readily apparent to both of them that they were in a very large cavern.

“Okay,” said Joe, “We’re in a big cave. Just how is that supposed to work in an art piece? Am I supposed to stare at my shadow and delve some sort of infinitely meaningful… meaning from it?”

“You mean like Plato’s cave?” asked Steve.

“Is that the name of this place?” replied Joe.

“No, no. Plato’s cave! It’s a theory that basically says that we, as human beings, are trapped in the darkness and only have our own shadows to gain any understanding of life from. But only when we crawl to the surface and see the real light, can we truly understand what life is really about!”

“No, that’s not what I meant,” said Joe. “I was thinking, you know, if my shadow looks like a butterfly, or a bear, or my grandma Josephine or something.”

“Oh,” said Steve sighing, “You mean a Rorschach test.”

“A ror what?’

“Never mind.”

“Oh,” Joe sighed, “I guess it doesn’t matter, I never see anything in those stupid tests anyway. There’s nothing there I tell you! Nothing!”

“Ha,” Steve mumbled, “I knew I should have stuck with the icky stuff.”

Then suddenly, a loud and ferocious roar erupted from somewhere down the tunnels of the cave.

Joe instantly drew his laser gun and looked around the cavern cautiously. “That didn’t sound like a very artistic roar,” Joe said enthusiastically.

“No, it didn’t.” Steve sounded sorely disappointed.

“It looks like were going to get some adventure after all. Come on Steve: Pratfall Comedy Sidekick, let’s go check it out!”

“I’ve got a better idea,” suggested Steve, “Why don’t we run back inside the NBNLFM and take off before whatever beast that roar belonged to shows up and eats us for dinner.”

Joe laughed, “Ha! Steve, you’re such a funny guy! That’s why I keep you around! Now come on! Lets go!’

Steve sighed, “Somehow, I knew I wouldn’t be able to convince you.”

So our intrepid hero and his much wiser friend set off in search of the possessor of that mighty roar. Joe happily trotted ahead and searched each new area out and then went back to fetch Steve, who was slowly loping along.

After they had taken several different turns down several different tunnels, they heard another mighty roar. It was closer this time. Joe couldn’t have been more excited. Steve was excited too, but in a different way.

“Come on Steve! We’re getting closer!”

“Yay,” whimpered Steve as Joe dragged him along.

After a few more blind turns down a few more blind tunnels, Joe and Steve came into a very large cavern. In the center of it was a beast of gargantuan size. Its huge head towered over them and nearly touched the ceiling. It stood upright with two long, thick arms that hung down nearly to the ground. An immense tail jutted out behind its two short legs curling around the length of the cavern. Its thick blubbery skin was a motley collection of pink and brown flesh tones. Horns protruded from its body in seemingly random places. The beast was sniffing around the cavern, and fortunately, hadn’t yet noticed Joe and Steve.

Once Steve got an eyeful of the terrible monster his jaw dropped. “Holy…”

“Now be careful Steve!” Joe interrupted, “Remember, kids love me! And we wouldn’t want to provide them with any bad influences!”

“…cow,” said Steve.

“There, that’s better.”

Once Steve gathered his wits, he turned to Joe. “Now just what do you propose to do with this thing?”

“I don’t know,” said Joe looking thoughtful, “I guess I just go check him out and see what happens.”

“Great idea,” said Steve, “I think I’ll wait here.”

“Suit yourself, ” said Joe as he started walking off.

Before he could go, Steve put a hand on his shoulder, “Wait, I think this is the same cavern we started off in.”

“Oh, don’t be silly! My sense of direction is flawless!”

“Oh yeah?” said Steve pointing his finger, “Then how do you explain the fact that the big pile of flashing blue metal that the beast is currently sniffing over there is the NBNLFM?”

“What?” said Joe as he looked in the direction that Steve was pointing. Off on the other side of the cavern, just under the horrible beast’s nose, was, in fact, the NBNLFM. On top of the NBNLFM an electric sign had folded up which was currently flashing the words, ‘Dave says, Help! Help! HELP!!’

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