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The Adventures of Joe: Space Ranger Action Hero 2.5

(Fade in with a series of shots that show Joe standing and looking thoughtful or sitting and looking thoughtful. Include an occasional shot of Steve sitting or standing and looking completely dumbfounded. Also, include a series of shots from the one dramatic scene in the story (if any) as well as shots of all of the special effects employed. Cue narrator’s sell bit.)

Every age has its legend. Every story has its hero.

“You believe that you are the hero to save all heroes, don’t you Joe?” Steve asked.

“Yes, I do!” Joe replied, looking as valiant as possible.

“Oh, what a crock of *%#@!!!”

In the past, we have seen Joe: Space Ranger Action Hero kick butt up and down the galaxy. His stories have spawned numerous sequels and spin-offs. There are comic books, video games, and now this: the art piece.

Joe looked incredulous, “What do you mean there’s nothing to do? My life has no meaning if I’m not kicking somebody’s butt!”

Now Joe faces the most difficult challenge of all: the look inwards.

“There’s nothing there I tell you! Nothing!”

“Ha,” Steve mumbled, “I knew I should have stuck with the icky stuff.”

Come on a journey to discover the man inside Joe. Come to find the power that drives the most incredible hero in the universe. Come on the most futile journey yet: the journey into monotony.

“Oh my god! Steve, look out!” screams Joe suddenly.

Steve pauses a moment to look around. Seeing nothing, he stares back at Joe perplexedly, “What Joe? There’s nothing there.”

“I know, I know,” says Joe looking depressed, “Damn it!”*

(Fade out and show preview credits. Then slam the title up in big letters so that no one’s confused about what’s going on here.)

The Adventures of Joe: Space Ranger Action Hero

The Journey into Monotony

(Show a camera shot flying quickly towards a spinning spiral galaxy. Fly into the galaxy past a myriad of bright and flashy stars. After a while, home in on one in particular and slow down the camera as it whips past the outer planets in the system. Slowly home in on a moon that happens to be spinning around one of those planets. Journey quickly across the surface of the moon until the camera stops dead when it runs flat into the door of a run down shack. Then the door slowly opens to reveal the interior where Joe sits, reading a comic book and eating a Big Action Hero Space Meal. Cue narrator.)

And here we are once again at the doorstep of Joe: Space Ranger Action Hero’s run down old shack. As always, we find our hero: Joe, gorging himself on unhealthy microwave meals and indulging his own ego by reading comic books about himself.

“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response.”

Thank you Joe. As I was saying, it is time once again, to join in the adventures of mighty Joe and his ever present, but hardly noticeable sidekick: Steve: Pratfall Comedy Sidekick.

“Are you going to let him talk like that about you Steve?” Joe said looking around, “Steve?”

As usual, Steve: Pratfall Comedy Sidekick had chosen to hide himself under a pile of comic books and do his best to ignore existence altogether. After an obligatory, but useless scan of the room to try and locate Steve, Joe went back to reading his comic books.

“Okay, so what’s the action this time?” said Joe rudely interrupting the narrator.

Ha! You’ll be happy to know that this time, there isn’t any.

“What?” said Joe jumping out of his action hero barcolounger in a sudden fit of anger and surprise. “What do you mean there isn’t any action? Just what are you doing here if there isn’t any action?”

Well, to put it simply, I’ve been asked to narrate your art piece.

“Art piece?! And just what, pray tell, is that?”

Actually, it could be any number of things, but in this particular case it is designed to be a subtle, yet dramatic piece that delves into the inner being of you, Joe: Space Ranger Action Hero. We want to find out, to coin a phrase, ‘what inside makes the man’.

“Oh great. Whose crummy idea was this?”

While I can’t admit that I actually had a hand in the design, I must say that I was delighted at the idea and jumped at the chance to narrate it. You see, now I finally have the opportunity to expose you for the fraudulent, one-sided, completely un-rounded character you are!

Joe smirked, “I didn’t think that was any big secret.”

Maybe so, but now I intend to make sure that everybody becomes just as bored with you as I am!

“Whatever,” replied Joe, “but I know that people will love me for who I am, regardless of whatever else happens, or fails to happen in this case.”

Joe stood there for a minute and looked around. The interior of the shack was the same as it had always been. There was his chair, a gift from Emperor Sham IV. There was a pile of eaten Big Action Hero Space Meals, and an equally big pile of old comic books. Other than that, there was a microwave, four walls, and a ceiling. Supposedly, Steve was hidden in there somewhere as well.

“Okay okay, there’s nothing interesting about my shack. It is merely a tribute to the small pleasures I take in life outside of my action adventuring. Now tell me, just exactly what am I supposed to do in this so called art piece?” His last words rolled out with an obvious tone of disgust.

That’s the beauty of an art piece. It can be accomplished while you do nothing! In fact, there is nothing to do!

Now Joe looked incredulous, “What do you mean there’s nothing to do! My life has no meaning if I’m not kicking somebody’s butt!”

I’m sorry Joe, but that’s it.

Joe shook his head, “There is no way I’m just going to stand here and do nothing! I don’t care if this is an art piece!”

Joe looked around quickly and then walked over to the pile of comic books and started digging through them. “Steve! Steve! Come on out of there! We’ve got some adventuring to do! Steve!”

There’s no use in trying. I assure you there is no adventure to be found in this art piece.

Joe paused a moment to look up in the direction that he felt comfortable in believing that the narrators voice came from. He then spoke angrily. “Oh, be quiet would you!”


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